What's my pathology
Any time I do a personality test, whether it is that introverted/extroverted/feeling/reasoning test (what is it called?) or a "Are you a bitch or a pushover?" test from a magazine, I always end up somewhere really near the middle. Right in the middle of the square or under the "you know how to make your feelings know without pissing off your coworkers" category. I used to think that it was because I was balanced and mature. Now I am not too sure.

I am starting to think that I fall in the middle because it is the average of a bimodal distribution. I am pulled by two extremes of my personality. Sometimes I wish I was reading the complete works of Shakespeare aloud on the bus. But at the same time I wish I was sensible enough to drink 8 glasses of water and go to the gym for an hour every day. In the end I am neither as eccentric or as practical as I would like to be. I am somewhere right in the middle.

One of our second year courses requires that we do 40 hours of clinical experience and write about some of the cases we see. I chose to do one of my clinical experiences in rural emergency
so I spent this last weekend in a rural emergency. It was great experience. I hesitate to call it fun, but it really was. The town is pretty small but they have a pretty big catchment area so everything from croup to motor vehicle accidents come in on the weekend.

I arrived at the hospital on Friday evening to pick up a key to the student housing. The emergency was pretty quiet at that time so I went to get settled in and find some dinner. When I arrived at the hospital the next morning the big talk was all about a case that came in at about 11pm. Patient came in GCS4, blown pupil, aspirating vomit; with no known cause. And I guess things got worse from there. They had 4 doctors, a resident, a med student, 3 ambulance teams and 4 nurses involved.

I was really jealous. If only I had been there a few hours later.

Usually I can honestly say that I would never wish anything bad to happen just for my own learning sake. But I do really wish I had been there. I think the reason is that the patient has died in every real code I have been involved in. I am about 0 for 5 now. This guy was about as bad as they come and last I heard he was stabilized in ICU in the big city. I guess I want the rush of feeling like I really helped save a life. It may be horrible and selfish but I want someone on the brink to come back for me.